Pitts: Captain Florida, the opportunist, lives out his creed

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis was strolling down the avenue when he read it — the blood-curdling audio of youngsters becoming ruthlessly exposed to range.

Speedier than you can say, “political hack,” he ducked powering a handy mango tree. Times later on, absent was the moderate-mannered governor of a excellent southeastern condition. In his place, clad in the teal unitard and pink cape that strike terror in purveyors of compassion in all places, stood . . . Captain Florida!

Losing not an fast, the sunshine avenger scanned the horizon with his opportunistic eyesight right up until he noticed the source of the audio. There, in a middle school classroom, the Woke Monster towered around two boys.

“You know,” the Woke Monster was indicating, “it shouldn’t matter if a further kid is gay or transgender, ought to it? What issues is what sort of particular person they are.”

The boys never ever acquired to answer, because at that precise second, Captain Florida came crashing through the window. “Eat restrictive legislation!” he cried as he slugged the Woke Monster.

“But…,” the Woke Monster gasped, “I was . . . just . . . hoping to educate the little ones. . . tolerance!”

“Not on my enjoy!” snarled Captain Florida as, with an additional mighty blow, he vanquished the Woke Monster, as a different instructor made the decision she’d relatively get her genuine estate license.

“We should combat the woke in our colleges,” declared Captain Florida, as the instructor gave notice. “We have to fight the woke in our firms. We will have to fight the woke in federal government companies. We can never ever, at any time surrender . . . ” Which is an real issue the actual governor really mentioned, sounding not as opposed to Winston Churchill. (”We shall combat on the beach locations, we shall combat on the landing grounds. . . . We shall in no way surrender.”)

Other than, of system, Churchill was only conversing about Nazis. He did not know about true threats, like “woke.”

But Captain Florida did. And now he posed with arms akimbo, scanning the horizon for new hazards. The kids gaped.

“Who’s heading to instruct us math?” asked the 1st boy.

“Wait a moment,” said the next boy. “Captain Florida, are not you the one particular who attacked that Miami cafe for internet hosting a Sunday brunch where drag queens conduct?”

“Yes,” said Captain Florida, “I did combat the Legion of Cross Dressers.”

“And did not your election cops just arrest some former felons for voting,” questioned the first boy, “even after the point out explained to them they could?”

“Dr. Voting Fraud. A single of my toughest foes.”

“And you even picked a battle with Disney Globe, did not you?” It was the next boy yet again. “They opposed your ‘Don’t say gay’ bill.”

“Ah, Mr. Mouse. A worthy opponent.”

“My father thinks you are a jackass,” said the initial boy.

Captain Florida gave him a sharp appear. “Your father does not recognize my mission. I struggle for freedom.”

“But who’s heading to train us math?” the boy demanded all over again.

Captain Florida wasn’t listening. “You see, boys, sometime I want to do for The us what I have done for Florida.”

“But my dad states all you have completed is bully LGBTQ people, folks of colour and other vulnerable Floridians since you want these MAGA lunatics to elect you president.”

“Exactly. Ever considering the fact that I was bitten by that radioactive ambition, I have lived my lifestyle by a basic creed.”

“What’s that?”

Captain Florida returned his steely gaze to the considerably horizon. “With good electric power will come excellent opportunism.”

Leonard Pitts Jr. is a Miami Herald columnist. ©2022 Miami Herald. Distributed by Tribune Written content Agency.